I was thinking recently (I know, it IS
amazing). Basically,
I'm fairly addicted to specific computer games.
I think all of
us at one point or another go through the
addiction where you
start seeing the game when your eyes close,
or you hear a particular
sound while eating your lunch or what have
you.
For me, most recently, it's a nifty little NHL
game. I'm a
huge Flyers fan, so I created myself as a
player and stuck myself
as their first-line winger, you know, the usual
fan thing to do.
I played the other night, literally, for about 5
hours straight.
Now, that's a lot of slapshots, a lot of goals,
and a lot of horns
blaring when I score.
That night, I had a dream that I was a
Flyer, scoring goals
like crazy, thousands of adoring fans chanting
my name...so on
and so forth, and I thought today, what if
somebody became addicted
to a game to the point where they needed
help...REAL help. Help
they would understand?
Now let's switch gears, I'll get back to that
point...
A person close to me (who will remain
anonymous due to the
nature and severity of their addiction) is
hooked on a game called,
"The Sims".
Now...I've been watching the game get
played -- it's addictive.
You take over these little peoples lives. You
tell them when to
eat, sleep, and shit. You tell them how to treat
other people,
when to feed the fish, when to go to sleep or
call their friends,
I mean really -- you are God.
The addict in question is so unbelievably
hooked on the game
-- it's like nothing I've ever seen, so I've
decided to write
to Maxis (they make the Sim stuff) and
suggest a game designed
specifically to 'adjust' the nerves in someone's
head to the point
where addiction in and of itself (in ANY walk of
life) can be
prevented. Even eliminated!
The game is called SimRehab, and the
little people you control
are SimJunkies.
Here are some features:
"SimRehab! The new title by Maxis
that lets YOU recover!"
* 30 Exciting levels of gameplay featuring
the beginner 'Occasional
User' level all the way up to the killer, 'Fatal
Abuser' level!
* 10 different scenarios and 50 different
rehabilitation institutions
to put your SimJunkie into! You'll never get
"sick"
of the lock-down possibilities!
* New MaxisVR(tm) Tokenology! So
authentic you'll be drooling
on your keyboard and twitching from
withdrawal! (Maybe MOM can
give you that FIX you need!)
* Developed specifically for this game, the
RealHeave Simulation
Engine(tm)! Comes with a kit of electrodes
that you hook to your
stomach from any Sound Blaster compatible
sound card! The ultra-pulsing
sound waves create stomach twitches that
simulate REAL dry-hacking
for that in-game realism you've come to expect
from Maxis!
* An ultra-realistic soundtrack of dozens of
screaming babies,
slowed down Pink Floyd songs, and the
repetitive snapping sound
of tourniquets being tied on for that good ol'
injection!
* The SimJunkie Internet kit! Share your
trials and tribulations
with other users on the net! You can upload
your SimJunkie for
others to suffer with, and in our 'Good Old
Days' area, you can
even see what your SimJunkie was like before
he started his binge
on heroin, cocaine, and crack! You can even
place your pre-junkie
Sim into the SimCity YOU'VE created to
interact with SimDealers
and coming in September, 2000, SimHo!
* As a free download from
Maxis.SimRehab.com, you can get the
"SimVirii Pack" which allows you to
create and tweak
any form of virus and infection you could
possibly spread through
shared needles in the SimRehab game!
Watch it grip your SimJunkies
and force them so far into submission that
they'll demand thorazine
from you!
And the list goes on, of course. I wonder
what kind of a response
I'll get to suggesting this? Perhaps they'll hire
me as their
creative guru? Maybe they'll send the FBI?
Who knows. Although
I think a little realism for once in our computer
gaming world
would be a wonderful thing, and I think
SimRehab could actually
do it!
Well, I've caused enough trouble for a
colony of recovering
druggies in this article, so I'm going to go turn
off my computer,
sell my car, and frolic naked in the woods of
the Poconos for
the rest of my life.
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